Modelling part 2

I realised I haven't blogged in such a long time and this is because I am having so much fun and I am so busy.. I actually don't understand how people with fun lives find the time to blog...kudos to them, but here is a weak ass attempt at one, mainly with pictures even though when i do find time i may just recount some of the crazy fun I have had recently...

Pre-Fashion Show party!

I was invited to a fashion event pre-party as the +1 of a lovely girl I know from the BBC. Fashion and catwalks have never really been my thing, but as most of you know self amusement is, so the opportunity to do this with attractive but probably quite dense girls was an opportunity I was not going to forego...

Feeling Human, Being Funny

I feel somewhat desensitised to social pressure after years of building an immunity because I really don't care what most people think, and it has led me to doing things which makes other people call me: crazy, arrogant, mental, confident, amazing, awesome and obnoxious to name but a few adjectives. Yet I look at what I do and just think... actually that’s the thing, I do things without generally thinking of the consequences. Or I convince my body that the real consequences are insignificant and my body is just being a wussy (part pussy, part wuss). I shake myself out, take a large breath and just get on with it, and in hindsight I am generally glad I did, so the fear lasts maybe a minute....

A day in the life of Multi-Cultural London

I planned to meet up with my friend Chris who stated that almost whenever we meet up something crazy/outrageous happens. I take my fair share of blame because I start meeting new people or just go with the flow, but I told Chris this time we would have a quiet evening; we would hang out and just get food and catch up.

Irish
This lasted until we get on the tube, we (read: I) make conversation with this guy from Dublin on the tube,

One-itus part 2

How NOT to get over One--Itus


The 1st step is to first contract one-itus
In order to make sure you get one-itus, you need to follow this piece of advice: When you begin to realise that you like the other person more than they like you (I am quite good at gauging this) do not change your behaviour . If you are starting to be more needy for their attention, or you want to hang out more than they do, or want to talk more than they do, don't change your behavior. Also stop sleeping with anyone you may be sleeping with.

One-Itus part 1

I have had suggestions that I should focus this blog on the crazy, fun or debaucherous stories as these are the best to read. Yet I think this would not be a fair representation of my thoughts and actions, hence the less frequent posts about Osama, riots or friend-shapes are included. The next 2 posts I am here to bare all and show another side which doesnt come out very often at all. (According to my editor - the dull side- talk about kicking a guy when he's down :) )

Will the riots mean more cuts and job losses?

There are many perspectives, opinions and commentaries on the riots. From the most obvious ones like, ‘This is appalling/unacceptable”. Thank you for that commentary, air wasters! 

Shit Happens

Having experienced a few crazy days of thoughtless mindless fun, it dawned on me that this is not who I want to be. My best friend told me I had become obnoxious, even to people within our friendship circle. Well, what was just perfect was Ramadan was around the corner and I could use it to detox my body and soul. I was going to try and use Ramadan as a cold turkey approach (the only approach that works with addicts) to start to pray, be nice to people, have more patience and stay away from and not flirt with girls.

WWTMD night out Part 3/3

Whilst outside, Lisa becomes ever more so annoying, calling me out on being a player and a tease. I was in no mood for this. I bantered back and forth a little but it soon became apparent she was atrocious at this. I was insulting her in what started in a jokey way, but her inability to come back with anything substantive, plus me being on some good form this night and not suffering fools meant it just became mean. This is usually where I would stop but in the mantra of WWTMD I carried on and pushed it beyond even what I thought was acceptable. It culminated in her saying:

‘You are such a wannabe player, you’re not even that great, I bet you just lie to get girls to like you’

WWTMD night out Part 2/3

There is a quote that really resonates when I talk to girls, especially in the first two minutes: Courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery of it.

WWTMD night out Part 1/3

So the story of what ensued this night has been whittled away, yet i still found I had too much to say therefore I am breaking this story into three chronological parts Enjoy...

What would Tucker Max Do? Part II: Speed Dating

After spending a day living by the mantra of WWTMD, my friends and I decided we should, for the sake of equality and fairness, have a night out with the mantra of WWTMD. It’s not fair to only be crazy fun in the day . . . and this is how the night panned out . . .

One of my friends asked me to come to a speed dating event with him. Now, whether this was because he knew I was going to be in a no-loser-left-alone kind of mood and he could laugh at the banter and chat I decided to have with these girls or because he genuinely wanted someone to go speed dating with, I do not know, but I decided to go with him, with the provision that I would insult anyone I chose to and be as self-amusing as I liked.

What would Tucker Max do?

“"I dont live in some bullshit world of objective reality, I live in MY reality” (Tucker Max)

When Marc and I first met he constantly told me I was: straight up delusional, not as awesome as I thought, the girls I thought liked me didn’t really, and I lived in my own reality. Clearly he was just jealous - I knew I was awesome, and therefore I, using my understanding of logic, refuted all his points.

NOTW, CNN and the elation of being wrong!

I was approached by a camera and an interviewer on the topic of NOTW last week:  

Interviewer with a big fluffy microphone: So, have you heard about the NOTW?
Me: Yes...

Interviewer: What do you think of it?

Me: I think anyone who says the newspaper is not as good as the Sun is wrong!

Interviewer: Um . . . What about the allegations that they deleted phone messages from Milly Dowler’s voicemail?

'Friend-Shapes'

I have mentioned a few times how I have differing levels of friends. Well, I am finally going to explain that and a bit more, so you can understand the way I view the world a little bit. I have explained this to a few people, and let me say: Yes! This is a totally independent and original idea I just thought up one day and yes this is adaptable so I am sure you could all create your own shape!

Laughs, celebrities, after – after parties and the Shocker

As I got back to England, I thought the craziness that had been the last three weeks would have subsided. How wrong could I have been?! Jet lagged, physically and emotionally drained of energy, my friend Chris picked me up in his car and took me to the BBC Radio 2 New Comedian of the Year competition in which Tez was a finalist. It didn't matter how tired I was, it didn't matter how drained of energy I was, it didn't matter how I hadn't slept properly for 2 days, it didn't even matter that I hadn't even unpacked, what did matter though was that I had to support my friend and that there was fun to be had... and suffice to say the fun just continued to roll on.

The End...of a chapter

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Drag Show

In general I found Boise to be quite a conservative city, with concepts such as sex before marriage and homosexuality somewhat frowned upon. It’s a place where general Christian values are upheld; it probably helps that there are a lot of Mormons living here. Yet for any of you that know me I do live very in-the-minute and will not always take into account my surroundings and context. This is one of those times:

I was invited to a drag show. Now while London is known for being quite an open, multicultural, understanding place I have never really been intrigued by the drag community or going to gay bars or any such ‘gay’ activities. It’s just not what my friends and I do, or the kind of parties or contexts we roll in.

Bosoms, Blue Fields and Banter... Oh and Food

There were three American eateries I wanted to go to once I heard of them: Hooters, Denny’s and IHOP - all places we don’t have in the UK.

IHOP

This was the first place I got to as it was en-route to work. When some ladies from work asked me where I wanted to go to lunch, I mentioned IHOP and they happily came with me. This is an amazing place to eat, especially for me since I have a very sweet tooth. I got pancakes with chocolate and strawberries, and caramel syrup on the side. These were not like crepes but big fat American pancakes. Man, this sugar high was awesome. The other normal food my colleagues ate seemed fine, but what I did notice was that the place was full of OAPs. It was weird because apparently once the evening/night hit it was full of drunken people like take-aways in England.

My sugar high resulted in me flirting with the waitress. She plays it all cool and not appreciating all my advances, so I said, ‘You are such a lesbian.’ Her face lights up and asked with honest curiosity, ‘How can you tell?’ Rather than explaining this was my standard response to anyone who annoyed/confused me, I responded, ‘Because I want to hook up and you are being all weird.’ At this point the conversation changed and she became friendly and we had some banter. As I was leaving she gave me her number at which point I made it clear: ‘I don’t care if you are a lesbian, I am totally going to flirt with you’ to which

she responded,  ‘Well im not a 100% lesbian!’ ‘Bam! My favourite type of lesbian!’ I jokingly replied. We agreed to meet up later, and she would show me around Boise and we could party it up with her friends. Sounded like fun, and the stories got around the office like wildfire: ‘Abs chatted up a lesbian’. Oh great, 2^nd day. I hope people at work don’t judge me.

Hooters

It wasn’t until the second week of my trip that I was able to get to Hooters. This was a location most people did not want to go, but once I had my colleague with me from England and 2 of the really fun inappropriate girls from work we went. Firstly the food is not too shabby. I thought the food would be  atrocious but it was alright – a definite 6. But it was nowhere clearer than here that sex sells. Sex can even sell OK food.

Karate, Jedi Powers, and the 5 point finger death move!

One of the days I was in America I mentioned to someone that when I went back to England, I wanted to take up Mixed Martial Arts. Due to the awesomely nice nature of Americans and fate this resulted in me being offered a free Karate class.

When I got to the class, I watched a groups of kids varying between the ages of 4 -16 doing fun things. One of the exercises looked like a drunken guy trying to pull a girl at 4 am outside of some night club. Imagine the girl, sober, aware and a guy just about to pounce, (insert cool super duper karate move) the guy goes spinning and continues to fall flat on the ground. However the highlight of the watching part was witnessing a 10 year old girl lift a black belt - 15-16 stone, 6’1” - catapult him over her back and spinning over for him to hit the mat… hard! I later tried this on the same person and managed to do it ¼ times, with a little difficulty.

Once the kids were done it was my time. There was an orange belt, a black belt, and 4th Dan Master Sensei (who looked like Jet Li). To put into perspective how good he was, 5-6 years ago he beat the #1 Karate person in the whole of Japan, and we all know them peeps know their Karate!

Am I famous?

You may have read some of the blog posts recently and thought, This guy is a
douche, or, Wow this guy should have his own reality show. Well, whilst I do flip
between these thoughts myself, and even though I am sure others may not feel
these are disparate concepts, I think they are, and it’s my blog, so there!

A colleague from England joined me in Boise, and I told her the stories you have
read so far as well as some others. While she was genuinely amazed I felt like she
didn’t believe them all 100%. The reason I think she didn’t believe me 100% was
because when I would tell her the things I was doing, her responses were things
like:
•   No way!!
•   Are u pulling my leg??
•   No, I don’t believe you did that . . . really??
•   Is this 100% the truth? (you can see where I thought she might not believe
them 100%)

And while I have been known to exaggerate a story or two in my time (try not to
be too shocked), all the stories I told her were (yes, most definitely, entirely) 100%
true.

American House Party - Wow in my pants

Watching Hollywood movies with house party scenes I thought that house parties were awesome, but once I began going to house parties at Uni and in my early 20’s I came to the realisation that English house parties were just lame, and I believe I now understand the two main cultural reasons for this.

Then I met my friend Zaira and finally experienced fun house parties, and at the time I thought these were 'The best a house party could get'… 

Until, I came to live the American Dream! These people know how to throw house parties! When I got told I was invited to a house party, I wasn’t excited, due to the years of being socially accustomed to house parties being kinda average. Yet this party was certifiably on par with the Hollywood scenes, and I was metaphorically 'Wow'd in my pants'

Power of the Spoken Word

As I have already mentioned I am but a 100 m away from the mall, hence I have frequented the mall more so than I usually ever would in the UK. Thus I have a had a fair few random encounters, these stories are the amalgamation of just some (There are more, if you know me feel free to ask about the Skittles story and the Go-Go Dancer) of the events that have transpired there.

I have already mentioned that Americans have been super friendly to me. I noticed as scary of some of them look, after 10 minutes of conversation they totally open up to me and are super friendly and act like I have known them for weeks. Check out the below before and after photos, it seems my accent is like some super crazy social lubrication. I feel like I have magic powers:

Dinner with Mormons

I had been invited to dinner at a really cool colleague who happens to be a Mormon. Mormons are like a real hardcore Christian Faith sect with some extra’s. Suffice to say one of the first conversations we had was about  the South Park episode, but this is when I realised how cool and my type of people he was, it wasn’t long until we were joking about this and Muslim terrorist stereotyping.

Mall Fun

As I am in America on my own I have most weekday evenings to fly solo and spend my own time doing things. I want to have adventures, so after 2 days of nothing much happening (in the evenings) I go out to the Mall to look for adventure and souvenirs/presents for people.

After spending way too much time in Victoria Secret’s, (for a present obviously :P) I continue to look around the Mall which is a stone throw from my hotel. I walk around a food court, and the American’s are known for their ‘laaarge’ food portions, and yes the large had to be extended, just because of how much these Americans can serve and eat... Impressive amounts, even small people,  from the below pictures you will see, even these women could eat as much, if not more than me.

3 days, 8 virginites! Boom!

I get to Boise after a really interesting conversation with a nice guy I met on the plane. Further showing me I was sooo wrong about Americans, they are actually awesome!!

As I get to the hotel, I have a lot of banter with the receptionist who seems really cool and pregnant; and she let me touch it:

Random fun in Chicago

As I arrive in Chicago and miss my connecting flight I await the shuttle bus to take me to the hotel where I will spend the night before going onto Boise. I feel a mixture of fatigue from an almost 18 hour journey, but excitement as I am in a new place with the possibility of a lot of fun times and adventures ahead. I, the ever optimist think of all the advantages of being able to spend a night in Chicago, and think of the things I can do before my 9 hours are up and I need to catch my connecting flight.

Snakes on a Plane!

Flying for me is a bitch, especially when I go America, which I am. I envision yesterday’s fun will be counteracted by the crap that is this journey, and I am not let down. I get to the airport in ample amount of time, and everything is going great, until I get a random sticker on my passport and boarding card. I later realise this means the American computer has chosen me for random tests. Funny it being random and me being a Muslim, but I am probably being paranoid except the last time I went America this also happened.

As I go to the Airline with my passport the lady behind the counter, a 40 year old ish Oriental woman started to freak me out. She started talking about Halal chicken, and animal cruelty, but this would have been fine, except she kept talking for at least 10 minutes after I totally looked disinterested and explained I was not an expert, but no I was told all about how her son had brought up these chickens, but her mum killed said chicken and her brother was gutted. In my head I was thinking, great story(Sarcasm), get on with my ticket. After another 2 random checks and pseudo investigational conversation I get onto the plane

Random adventure in Balham

After leaving Hamley’s and popping into the office with all the cool new presentations, I left work early to go finish packing, unlike the last time I did this it wasn’t too bad. 2 hours later with the majority of the packing done it was time to have some last hours of fun in England:

Marc and I went out to initially get some food, he wanted to go Nando’s, and since I am a total team-player we walked down to the one on Clapham High Street, but it was as though the shop was fumigated with chicken smoke, it was worse than the smell of the chicken shop I almost moved into. We decided to hit the one in Balham, neither of us knew how to get there. As the rain pours down in the musky gloomy street, Marc shouts: ‘Adventure time’ as we ran to the bus shelter to avoid the rain.

Child Like Fun

So, the day before I flew out to America was pretty fun. It started off at lunch time, when I went to Hamleys with a work colleague and wow, Hamleys is a fun place. I always knew that I was and will always be a little bit of a kid at heart but this really brought out the inner child. It started off with walking round wide eyed, regressing at least 3 years in my head to a mental age of 13. As we walk around I overhear an employee ask another employee, a little too loudly: ‘Why would anyone have a tattoo of their name across their back (above the bum, is where she indicates with her hands). I take a step back into their space, and quip in: ‘Wellll… If she was a bit of a slut or a porn star and liked to say: ‘Whats my name?’ during sex, well then, if the guy does not remember but is playing the manly, alpha card, rather than him replying ‘Shut up Bi*&^’, which would be totally embarrassing or demeaning for one or both parties. He can now read the name (if he can read) on the back and be a respectful gentleman and respond with say ‘Lisa or Gemma or more likely Sparkles’, however this is not the only reason ladies, just the first that comes to mind, I’m sure there could be many more.

PROUD Camden

The night continued and we went to PROUD in Camden, and whilst this sounded like a Gay club it wasn’t. What it was, I am still not a 100% sure. What I do know is that, there was a giant walking around on stilettos, whilst playing with string, which just happened to be attached to a dwarf. Im not sure if this was an elaborate visual mind fuck but it looked as thought he was being commanded like a puppet. Some might say it was like being on acid, others could just say It was a very big and very clever visual representation to alters ones understanding of the norm.

Empty and before the craziness can infiltrate your senses.

Bombay Dreams

It was my friend’s birthday; we went to a restaurant called ‘Bombay Dreams’. The name itself, consumed my mind with images of a colourful landscape, full of beautiful women dressed in Saree’s, and men in tight waistcoat-esque suits. Later on in this fantasy I hear one of the waiters explain: ‘No, Sir, sorry we don’t do that… Thankyou’ in a proper ‘freshie’ (fresh of the boat) accent as he tilts his head very slowly to the right and then left, with a big grin, presenting an almost vacant expression. Then I remembered ‘Goodness Gracious Me’ was not a documentary and maybe I was enacting in some naive racial stereotyping. Maybe this restaurant was full of Indian people, acting very British, extremely prim and proper, because believe me, this is a dream of the Indian people (stereotypically). It seems as Indians float to the higher end of the Social class hierarchy, the more British they act, the more often you will hear them break up their native tongue with English. True Story!

New job! (1st week at work)

My whole corporate life (3.5 years) I have had to wear business attire, and I absolutely hate it. Not because I don’t look dashing in a nice suit, I’m sure I do, it’s the rules I have a problem with. It’s the constriction it plays on my level of individuality and expression. I have never liked being a rule follower, whether it is social or formalised within institutions.

Moving to London

Monday 7 pm – (7 days before I start new job in Londonia, and will be homeless)


Whilst I search Clapham high n low, bargain hunting for a decent place to live, I find nothing. However, I find somewhere in the wilderness beyond the tube infrastructure: quite a nice place, with nice people, relatively cheap, somewhere I genuinely contemplate moving to, but after the view, they said they will let me know midweek, gutted and I might have put down a deposit… Oh well...im lucky and charming, something better may turn up and I’m sure Adam n Co (current tenants) will choose me anyhow..

My thought on Sluts

I read an article on the BBC website in which women were organising and attending ‘slut walks’. These are not like pub crawls at a hen do, but in essence are a protest against some women being told not to dress like sluts. A policeman told them:

“…However, women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised."

For the record, I am totally against sexual assault and think people who sexually assault others are inhumane, should be punished and victims should not, in 99% of situations feel like it’s their fault. 

The new, improved and upgraded slut???

Seeds vs Fruit

I have begun packing, as I intend to move to the dream (see: LONDON) that has for so long been a fortnightly 2.5 hour round trip on a train. For someone who hates monotony, repetition, being bored and not being inappropriate, packing is well and truly crap.

Whilst doing this crap task I started thinking of other crap, obviously my mind wandered to the Antiques Roadshow. All the people who appear on the show usually have expensive things they had forgotten about or never knew they had. Although they get a nice pay packet in the end, I now think I understand what they go through.

My Katy Perry is a Lesbian

After writing in my blog that I was looking for my very own Katy Perry, I shit you not, two days later, I found her. I was at a mate’s comedy show enjoying some laughs when out of nowhere this hot Katy Perry look-alike walks by. Obviously I’m not one to let an opportunity pass me by so I said 'hi' and the banter was on. I’d even go as far to say that sparks were flying; I could see the fun ‘Snap Crackle and Popping’. She (who I shall now refer to as KP) was holding her own; she not only busted my balls but she was fun and because of this I was quite impressed.

Yoga

I had heard and been aware of Yoga for many years but I distinctly remember a cool friend called 'Hunter' (not his real name - cos then he wud be weird and not that cool) used to be a Pilates teacher, and invited me to a class. I just thought what a bell...end, as if, stretching and moving around in slow motion could be fun - such a girlie crappy thing to do...

Osama Bin Laden

The latest news on the wire is that Osama Bin Laden is dead, now the method in which I heard this was quite funny. I can just imagine one day being asked...

"Daddy, how did you find out Osama was dead?"
"Well, Son, i was fb'ing a girl, no, not your mum, and she said:

'My Monday juices are flowing'

Now I like most people in this situation, got a hard on and then thought two things: Wow ure forward, and wow thats hot, because it happened so quickly I cant remember in which order this took place, its a debate not too unlike the chicken vs the egg. However the sad news was that i misunderstood, she was talking about her cerebral juices in relation to a debate that was ensuing in regards to the killing of said charismatic terrorist/Al Qaeda figure head. But the Good news, which is always so craved after the realisation of sad news, was that Osama was dead.

And for the record these are my 2 cents on the matter:

I think Osama was a terrorist and not a nice person at all, in fact I think this of all entities/people who kill innocent people, which is why i dislike Israel, America and to a lesser extent the UK Government, who could arguably also be called terrorist regimes.

Russell Brand esque

Having now become a changed man, I look back on certain comparisons made of me with a lack of pride and more disdain and embarrassment.

It started at the age of about 20 (before this it was rarely impressive comparisons) I distinctly remember having a care n share sesh with my mum, who out of absolute nowhere turned round and said:

Mum: Abdulla, Don’t be such a Casanova

Me: ummm, uggghhh, ummm.. What??… like… what??… I mean… ummmm what do you mean?? who have you been talking to??

Mum: Sometimes a mother, just knows, and remember you have to treat women with respect.

Whilst I thought this was un-called for, since I was in no way shape or form a Casanova -esque quality player/person, this had and still has a serious impact on me. I am now totally respectful in what I say, and the way I act around women… if my mum is ever around, or could hear about my interactions with them.

Un-worthy!

Whilst I have super confident moments where I think I am the best thing since sliced bread. I also have moments where I feel truly humbled and wish I wasn't bestowed with the character traits or all my abilities that I have (including things like walking, talking, having a roof over my head, loving people in my life... the list could go on and on, and on). Now, this is very similiar to being bi-polar, but its not that i think I am a loser n get all depressive, its more that i dont feel worthy and wish I wasn't the way I am.

The Ghetto

I am trying to engineer a move to London, so i went to view a place in Oval, now i am quite naive about the type of places in London, and the type of areas, and living standards... Now before i get into this story let me just indicate I am either an anti-racist, or a complete... racist: I do not discriminate against any one, of any colour, I have black, yellow, asian, muslim, sikh, jewish, homophobic, and sexist jokes... everyone is fair game as far as i am concerned. In fact i can go so far as to say i do my bit to bring black and white together, or get in the way not too sure.. let me know...

Random Lols with Babe Station

Situation: My friend is meeting new producers at Radio 2 where he will be presenting shortly...

Me: Mate, can i be inappropiate and self amusing, or do you need me to tone it down..
Him: No probs fella, just be ur self
Me: (Inside voice - Awesome)



At this point I started having bare lols, playing truth or dare with one of the 50 year old woman, that was really fun.(Best moment of the night for me). Met a 'Cracker' (Robbie Coltrane??) lookalike, playing sleep, marry or murder with the rest of the group, guessing the womens ages by pulling their hair, judging random women with builders bums...(this part was mainly not me but was still lols) After 15 or so minutes...


Producer 3: Ure really cocky...
Me: Thanks..
Girl: Why dont you go chat up them Babe station girls??
Me: Whats Babe Station?? Where??
(Look over, and there was literally three girls surround by a full table of men, like 10 men at least..)
Girl:.. Its...... come on mr.confident, all you have is talk... more and more annoying crap kept coming out of her mouth, I think she called them words!!
Me: NFI about the words coming out of you mouth, but they look fun... im going...

Gail Porter is not hot (Drugs!)

A girl asked me: Do you want to be like Charlie Sheen??
Me: Yes and no,

A little bit yes

A lot - no

I think he genuinely is a bit imbalanced

but he iss sooooooo funny n lols to be around i bet

but hes not a good father

so yes n no

Her:

I think he is pathetic

everyone who takes drugs is pathetic period.

Working Out (P90X)

I have never and will never be a great working out kinda guy.. I like my reflection in the mirror too much, and then i start thinking how cute i am, which makes me remember something else that isn't true, like David Cameron and Co's justification of going into Libya, and the lifting heavy weights in repetitive motions finishes!

Now the longest I have managed going to the gym was for about a year, before 2009 i think, and it made me look decent, but then, nothing until i turned into a bit of an actual 'fatty' as opposed to a 'fattie' (term of endearment)... So a friend of mine referred me to P90X.

If you havent heard about it, u can see a video on it here: P90X info.

Immigration

There has been a lot of reports recently in the media about the things David Cameron has been saying in regards to immigration. Now there is the view that this is a form of institutionalised racism, others have the view that it is nothing of the sort and is merely economic/nationalistic interests.

This blog is not going to be about the merits of each argument, or even my opinion, but rather it is going to be an examination of the real cases in this immigration battle: Haaaave you met...

Gay vs Camp!

I am very comftorble in my self and accept and like the fact I am quite effiminate (in touch with my feelings,expressive) but i do sometimes get asked 'Are you Gay?' and the best response I have for this is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes:

" I'm gay to the extent i will notice if you have new shoes, but I draw the line at having your penis in me!"

Dating!

I always thought I don't date, i.e going to dinner, concerts etc.. at least not until I am in a relationship with someone. But I was speaking to a girl yesterday, and I think I have a problem:

Girl: "I'm dating 4 people"
Abs: "Oh, Cool"
Penis (nickname: Penetrator) to Abs: "Dude, WTF, dont be this girls friend, use the 5 C's on her!!
Abs to Penetrator: (Whilst stroking.."Calm down it's ok shhhh, shhhh....Mmmmh")

After my penis cried a little on me and got the craziness out of his system, (clearly my penis is a woman!) It later became apparent that everyone has different definitions for the term 'dating':

Female Logic/Misogyny

A really good friend of mine, a girl, in passing conversation said: “Yeah, but Abs you’re misogynistic”.

Whooo? Im Mysoginistic??, So (there is that word again!!) this is in response to her and everyone else who knows me, thinks the same and random people reading this who most definitely will think so... So like all good arguments… Oh yes, I plagiarised at uni and know how this part works… lets start by defining what misogyny actually is, and what people believe I maybe:

Misogyny ( /mɪˈsɒdʒɪni/) is the hatred or dislike of women. Misogyny comes from Greek misogunia (μισογυνία) from misos (μῖσος, hatred) and gynē (γυνή, woman). A person who hates women is called a misogynist.

(Wikipedia, 2011)

Number 1. I am most definitely not Greek.
Number 2 and slightly more importantly: I LOVE women a lot. Yep, there u have it. I, Abs L.O.V.E the woman!!

That generally is my problem and does get me into trouble. I really do like women, most of them. I find them

Haters and why I love them!

When i begin my blog entry initiation I always want to start with the word 'so'!

 Now I did a presentation at work recently, and there is a guy who is a very 'one better than you' type person. We all know someone like this, no matter what you say, he has a story or a comment to make him one better... For examples:

Me: I met Alicia Dixon...
Him: You should have asked her if she found my wallet, Im sure i dropped it at hers.

Tez bday n shopping!

Fri: It was Tez's bday and I really hate buying presents: mainly for three reasons that I can think of:.

1.Most people wont tell you what they want, they utilise the old adage : 'Its the thought that counts' : If this was true i'd buy you a 50 p ring... which lets be fair i have done..on a few occasions. 

2.The other reason is that people like surprises, and from peoples expressions I can tell you, the 50p ring really does fulfill this issue,

3.People don't like saying they want a gift. Bollox to that, if you are my friend, you know I am not one for ceremony, and i am asking what you want, because I want to get you a gift! So logically lets Win - Win (or Bipolar win) and tell me what you want which results in you getting a present you want, and means I feel good amd fulfill my friendship yearning and i buy you a present.

A few of my friends have caught onto this bi-polar winning idea and it works amazingly..Tez being one of these friends, he got a nice pair of trainers he really liked...

On my way to Tez's i went and visited another friend who I have lost touch with in the last year or two, which is sad but it was his bday a while ago but due to customs I got him a helmet... which didnt fit his head, and everyone says I'm big headed!

The Five C's

A friend/acquaintance asked me ’ how do i get better with girls’. I informed him that before i gave him any ideas/hints and tips he had to promise to not take advantage of girls and be honest and upfront with them, because when they cry thats not nice and no one needs that on their conscience! He agrred and so I asked do you want the looong complicated version or the short version… He requested the short version… I said part 1 is to read the book ’ The Game’ and then part 2: have fun, and dont care, and together that should be enough for anyone..

He came back to me a month later and went on and on about how it wasnt really working… I informed him i was worried he might say that so i have produced my own method the 5 C’s… He asked what the 5(It was originally 4 but for purposes of rounding up i made another one up for the blog) C’s were and i explained if he had the five C’s he could get any girl. He intently awaiting a response asked “What are these 5 C’s?”. Before i explain them to you here, can i just state this was me being self amusing and having lols. I was not being serious. I wish i told him this before he implemented the 5th C on numerous occasions.

So here are my 5 C’s:

Platonic Female Friends

So one of my close friends says i need to talk about girls more… so this one is dedicated to the ladies!

Job: So i got my contract - awesome-o!  but interesting note, if i make an invention that has nothing to do with my new company whilst i work their they can take the invention… one word… well two… muther-truckers!!

Now to hand in my notice… do it tomorrow… So thinking about moving on, one of my friends is leaving the company today… A girl (Holly M) i havent had any kind of sexual activity with, and who I still really really like and engage in bare innapropiateness with… and it got me thinking…i might just miss her… gay i know but then i had more gay thoughts… and it got me thinking.. Platonic Female friends…. so this is a tribute to all my platonic female friends.. all like 6 that ive ever had…

The Beginning

Man,

I just realised it took me a while to think of a title? am i doing that so it grabs people’s attention or for my own record, which also makes me thinks… Abs u dick dont care!! SO…. I have been planning of moving to the Londonia..Had a interview and they offered me the role after 1hr 30 mins…And i was pretty hyper, and charming i assume..

My fave question/comment was (after 40 minutes of me being quite hyper and stuff (read charming)):

Managing Director: So have any managers ever mentioned that you were hard to manage?

Abs: ummmm…. Yes they have … i dont accept second rate behaviour from others or myself so im always pushing to do things differently and better, and i can quite hyper and passionate about things so thats not easy for people who are lower energy especially if they are in a more senior position. Also at school i got that all the time

Managing Director: Humm (Not giving anything away)

But he clearly liked what he heard!