What would Tucker Max do?

“"I dont live in some bullshit world of objective reality, I live in MY reality” (Tucker Max)

When Marc and I first met he constantly told me I was: straight up delusional, not as awesome as I thought, the girls I thought liked me didn’t really, and I lived in my own reality. Clearly he was just jealous - I knew I was awesome, and therefore I, using my understanding of logic, refuted all his points.


Skip forward almost 4 years...

Marc:  Seeing you up close and personal I have to admit as much as I hate what this will do to your ego, you’re not as delusional as I once thought, and the bit you are is good delusional. You are like Tucker Max or you would be if you were White American and not Muslim.

I wasn’t surprised or happy just a little relieved. Finally, he saw the world like I did, but . . . Tucker Who?? And then another friend said something quite similar about this Tucker Max character, so I got hold of his book Assholes Finish First, and I have not read such a page turner since Harry Potter. The guy was a bit like me but whenever I had self amusement I didn’t find pleasure in insulting people and tried to tread a fine line of having fun but not hurting people’s feelings.

Have I always managed this? No, but I’ve always tried. I started to wonder what would happen if I never cared. Only one way to find out... Sunday afternoon became ‘What Would TuckerMax Do?’ day (without the alcohol and casual sex consumption of course – I do realise the irony of this statement)!

There was a Ben and Jerry’s festival just down the road from where I live... My first ‘Tucker Max’ mission to disregard social norms: refuse on principle to pay but still go in and eat their ice cream! I walk over to a group of people and begin a conversation about the best way to get in. They tell me it’s to  buy a ticket and walk in.
My tirade: What the F Woman! If I wanted to do that why would I be talking to you? Are you disabled in the brain? (Second Tucker Max mission being an asshole... check! As well as my friends challenge to pull that line off and not get in trouble for it- check!) You seem like the type of girl who could ‘head’ her way in for free... The slight exaggeration of the word head did not register.

I got bored and saw a girl with a shiny coat, looking all official. I walk over to her: Hi! I want to get in.
She: Ok go buy a ticket from there (points at the front desk).
Me: No you don’t understand I’m willing to flirt, lead you on and even allude to offering oral sex for five minutes so that you can get me in for free.
Normally, when I’m messing with people they know I am cos I smile outrageously when I’m just joking around, but i kept such a straight face, and this girl was laughing! This caused a bit of attention and the other security guards kinda perked up and she told me to try those lines on some serious security guards. 

I walk straight over to them. They are the ones letting people in. They ask to see my ticket, and I respond: I am Abs. I don’t need a ticket (delusion: check), if I wanted a ticket, I could get one, and get in but  my agent (I point to Marc) has been busy being Jewish (made a money sign and then devil horns) hasn’t been able to get one. The security guards tells to go away until I have a ticket to which I said: I can go get a ticket if I want . . .I’m Abs, and I feel like you should just trust me.
He cuts me off and says: You are not getting in unless you have a ticket - I don’t care who you are!
I retort: Fine, I am going to go call Ben and Jerry and get some tickets. Back in 30. And when i tell them about you, you are going to be done for!
Yeah, aright mate, see you later. He sniggers and crosses his arms!

Marc and I walk away all deflated, but then I randomly decide to stop some  people leaving outside of visual view of the bouncers and ask if they have tickets we could take if they are not going back in... And yes they did! Winning!!!
So we take the two tickets they have, go straight up to the security guard, give him our tickets and say: Can we take your name?
He mumbles his name, and we walk on in feeling like we just beat the man!

Its true regardless of what they say. Assholes may finish first, but charismatic chancers well they get to scare big bouncers and eat lots of free ice cream!

Random LOLS were had in the festival but very normal fun you have read of before but i have a few pics..

Shocker,  girl and a banana - My type of festival

I told these woman even though they were a lot older than me, we could even it out by them all sharing me!

Apparently it was to good to be true - they wanted pictures!