Double Edged Sword of Ballsy Women

I am like the most confident person i know, but for the good part of the last 10 years I have been attracted (platonically or not) to confident, funny (especially at my expense - see objective humour), tall, independent and slutty (whether they know it yet or not) people. This is evident in the women I date or actually like. One of my friends deduced (incorrectly in my opinion) that I would like any confident, tall girl regardless of how pretty she was.

I met a girl who, at 5'8", wasn't as tall as my usual type. The first day I met her, she told me that she was way more attractive than me. I laughed in her face because she isn't (She definitely is - Ed) and she seemed totally unnerved by this reaction; I started to like her.

The Book Of Mormon / Objective Humour

For my birthday, I went to watch a theatre production: The Book of Mormon! I think this is one of the best ways for me to explain one of the social constructs I try to follow, accept and embody: objective humour.

So, Book of Mormon has had a lot of hype and interest - revered as a breath of fresh air, really funny and quotes that I believed were hyperbole until I witnessed the phenomena with my own eyes and ears.

Yet it's also been termed racist, offensive and crass. Which, believe it or not, it actually was. It was even blasphemous. At these times, I found the show uncomfortable to watch but (question) did that detract from the fact it was hilarious?

The clothes maketh the man

Buses, women and now free clothes. It seems that there are the three things in life, that when I am in need of their service they are not so easily found, but then when you are in ready availability of their service… bang! You can’t stop receiving them.

I was at a charity show helping out a friend, and she asked me to do a bit of presenting and to do some modelling, as dull as I find modelling, and as fat as I have recently got, I decided it was for a good cause. I plug along to the venue, go backstage and introduce myself to everyone their and then do what I do best… self amuse and have fun!

Inappropriateness between everyone there was in full flow, mainly due to me, but  for once this was not my fault. Enter...

How to be confident

‘Being savoir faire and not giving a shit are inextricably linked’ (Me in 2013)

 This quote has no relevance, I just really like it and I like being irreverent.

‘Confidence is a stain you can’t wipe off’ (Lil Wayne)

  

People (Lil Wayne at least) talk about confidence like its something you have or don't, I disagree i think you can learn' it to an extent.

A colleague of mine said he wanted to be confident, and asked me how to do it. I half joking replied: ‘Just be more like me, don’t care about stuff’

This quasi-arrogant, quasi-advisory comment made perfect sense to me, but he replied – 'Yeah, I don’t know what that means, can you explain what that means, I don’t quite get it' and this was yet another example of how my brain misses steps. 

My brain creates direct links from point A to B, except to others the argument I sometimes make are not point A to B but A to C and I miss out B. Case in point: Being like me and not caring (Point A) equates to having confidence (point C). Whilst this seem perfectly linear to me, I realised my brain is broken. In fact through the experience of this conversation I have realised this was not linear and there was a requirement to connect the dots. I know this because my friend said 'I have no idea what that means, that doesn’t make sense, explain how not caring makes you confident, and what do you do that makes you confident.'

  So here is part B:

Gang-alogy

Being in a gang like the Crips or Bloods, underneath the obvious activites: A group of people who all roll together and get up to 'mischief' for use of a better word. They have a plethora of ladies, well using a loose definition of the word ladies, a more accurate term maybe bitches. This reminds of a gang I had an affiliation with:

'Team Win' - As a group they got drunk a lot. We had lots of fun probably because we were out a lot: 6 times a week sometimes! We even had a load of ladies who used to hang out with us, and we called them the 'Team Win bitches'. I say, we called them, they called themselves the Team Win bitches! *playa hi5* no? Just me ? Ok, swiftly moving on...

Life of Pi Review

I went to watch 'The life of Pi' but this story doesn't start there: I told my colleagues at work, one who got to watch a pre-preview showing courtesy of Fox studios and he compared it to Avatar in terms of a visual experience. I became excited, as Avatar was a movie I truly enjoyed watching. Like porn: I don't remember the story but I remember I couldn't take my eyes off it. This excitement soon wore off when he told me that most of the film revolved around a boy, a tiger and the sea. What? That sounds boring I stated, I don't care how blue the sea is or how High Definition the tiger is. My excitement wore off, how many fun things can a boy, a tiger and a boat get up to in the sea? But then again how much fun do plumbers and teachers in classrooms and bathrooms have in porn?

The movie

It was a real 'pretty movie': a visual masterpiece. The tiger and the boys interplay was visually astounding. I felt the fear and exhilaration where I believe I should have, because of how realistic the tigers anger, desperation and fear was. I'm not sure if they used CGI but it seemed so realistic.

Divas

I modeled recently and it was...an experience. Got to have fun and catchup with some of my model friends.

Got to throw my blue steel around (backstage). Met a few nice people but most were easily offended and did not have an inappropriate sense of humour- suffice to say I didn't make that many new friends!

Friend 1

Friend 2

Blue Steel-ing with some of the Make Up Artists and male models

The low point was being around some of the models and, I shit you not, at one point they were talking about how many inches they had grown in the last 6-12 months. *Yawn*.

But what I noticed for the first time was some proper diva attitude/drama:

The Hottest Girl In The World

Well, at least, one that I have seen in person with my own eyes.

Having said that, I have met Miss Idaho, a few models in my time and, most recently, I met the winner of Best UK and Ireland Model (or something like that- I was so indifferent at the time). I once chatted up Alesha Dixon (pre-blog but very funny story) and even 3 girls from Babe Station without being too phased.

Yet, this girl walks past me and my jaw hit the floor. I immediately stopped in my tracks and the JLS song that I thought was gay had meaning. I double-checked, pinched myself and then smelt my armpits. No Lynx on today, this was a real girl....sheeeeeeit!

Satin/Satan; Potato/Tomato

I live in the ghetto of Stockwell. In addition to this, I have never been a very superficial person and this therefore relates to the visual appearance of my flat.

Unfortunately, others do not share this nonchalant view of appearance. Hence, I have to shave, style my hair, dress in ironed clothes and . . . well, that's about it. The rest I would do because I do actually want to be clean.

Many a time people have seen my place for the first time and I have sensed their vaginas dry up or mouth open in shock. I believe I dress stylish therefore when you see where I live, the shock is accentuated.

Catch up

Once upon a time I had a beard.Wasn't the most fun person to be around. Didn't party, stopped flirting and being very sociable. I preached to all my friends about how they shouldn't chase tail and be (better) Muslims. Ahh better times!

I noticed that about 5 of my friends stuck around. I am sure it's not by chance 4/5 are in my shapes.

I met and spent time with the 5th 8 years later.

How A Girl becomes The Girl before becoming Just Another girl (In record time)

A Girl

I met 'a girl' recently. Yes, she was fun and witty, but just another girl. Not tall or curvy (my type) but pretty and worth bantering with. Over the next month or two we shared some witty fun conversation. I got to know her and noticed she was actually quite a sweet girl.

This Girl

We had mutual friends and my best friend and a few others really liked her and thought she was my kind of girl. I was unsure but the witty banter and the being easily influenced helped me decide to take a little leap of faith. One of the mutual friends organised a group meet up.
This got me thinking and I realised that as I was getting to know her I was being a nicer than I usually am at first. I saw an item, which I thought would be sweet and perfect for her. I planned to give this to her when we met (Who was I becoming??).

Invite only fashion party - Abs Style!

How I roll at posh parties:

Recently I got a hook up to an invite-only party at The Ivy

When we entered there were photographers asking us to do specific poses. So we did these for a while until (typical) I got bored. I started directing the photographers to take photos of me with fun poses. This attracted the attention of one of the only three cool people we met: a photographer called Moe. She was a bubbly, extroverted Canadian and, therefore, a friendly lady. Through the night she just tagged along and we told people she was my official photographer. We took some hilarious photos and even got the other people invited giggling.

The Amazing Spiderman Review

I was invited to the premiere screening of The Amazing Spiderman here's a review on it:

Old Habits Die Hard

When I was younger I didnt know what I wanted to do. I was pressured into the whole academic route because of family pressure and I found it relatively easy. Not massively enjoyable but not really difficult. This led me to getting a Masters degree. I wasn't a super smart genius by any stretch of the imagination, but I was offered the ability to do a PHD funded but reading has never been something I really enjoyed, so I didnt take up this route.

Miami and the 3 challenges

I fell in love with Miami. Whilst this trip wasn't as fun as my Boise trip I did have a lot of fun and realised the Americans really are my people's. My 'charm' doesn't only work on small town people in the middle of nowhere. Whilst people in England tell me I'm funny, cool or charming, people in miami were telling me I was the funniest person they had ever met, and when some
learnt I didn't drink they were flabbergasted and in geuine awe of me. I have no doubt one sad lonely day my ego is totally going to make me move to America! So the challenges:

Challenge 1: Ball so hard m-f-ers want to fine me- challenge completed!

3 days of smiles

Friday:

Met with two friends and went to Tayyabs my favourite restaurant in London. Yet first the journey on the tube where I was on a sugar high, this resulted in me making self amusing conversation with 3 separate girls on the tube at rush hour... I introduced them all to each other. My friends just carried on like nothing was going on, everyone else on the tube was staring like wtf!! That was fun.. I love attention! Got to Tayyabs and loved the food! Decided I needed to invest some money somewhere...cos my friends were all entrepeneur-y and I was being sucked into the peer pressure.

Dinner done so I met up with work colleagues who I had ditched for my friends. We ended up dancing. I was in a good mood and more self amusement occurred:

Equality in Miami

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En Route to Miami

Last time I went to America I went with a big, stupid, excited grin. Lo and behold, it resulted in me getting stopped and inappropriately searched. This time I was expecting a legally accepted and valid form of harassment. My demeanour was of a much more negative nature and a resigned expectation to the tumultuous, quasi-livestock treatment I was to recieve all in the name of freedom was bearing down upon me. Yet what ensued had me in shock....

Looking like a model!

So I was told that for the modelling show I would have to have a 6 pack. And I was 100% totally committed to this effort. This lasted about 3 weeks - and I tell you what, that's a long time when you are doing the Insanity training programme (PS it works)! I did have a hiccup or two around week 5 but by now you could see some definition in the stomach region.

Stood Up

One of the reasons I moved to London was the busier social lifestyle I could experience, and it hasn't dissapointed. In the first 6 months or so I would have plans most weekdays and 3 or so plans to choose from on the weekends. This meant I had to 'cancel' on people from time to time because I always had back up plans! 

But then in the last few months what with the modelling and trying to get fit and, well, the new addiction that is Football Manager (the first step is to admit you have a problem), I have cut back on my social life to making plans 2-3 times a week.