The trilogy (Matrix) of human connections.

Girl: Abdulla introduce me to some girls, I want to make some friends

Abdulla : come hang out in my lunch group, people in the group are cool

Girl: No, like a date

Abdulla : lesbian style? 

Girl: no (I was so disappointed at this stage, I love new experiences, I've never set up girls)

Abdulla: boring, do you want someone nice or fun?

Girl: both

In the world of friendship, like all things there is the ideal, and the ideal friend is someone fun and nice. I call this the 'Unicorn' category, it's a mythical beautiful entity probably because, for me to class someone as fun they have to be as fun or more fun than me. Likewise, to be classified as nice/honest you have to more than I am, probably why I find it easier to find nice friends.

Anyhoo if you find a unicorn, don't touch the pointy bit, it can hurt. if they are of the sex you are attracted to, be careful you don't fall for them, because that will be the natural trajectory if you don't make a conscience effort not to, setting these people up with your friends is always a good idea.

If you find someone nice but not really fun, stick it out and be patient, a lot of people warm up and become more interesting with time and patience.

Now look, there is a reason nice and honest are used collectively here, fake and insecure people are usually superficially nice, but I find they lack the direct honesty and 'genuinity' needed for me to be friends, but if someone is a straight up asshole or deceptive (I find a bit of assholio behaviour fun hence l term this a unicorn (because it's impossible to find an actual unicorn, for me it's an ideal, some people are... horses I guess)), and they are boring you should N-sync them, but you know this. 

If they are fun but also a bit of an asshole, these friends are straight up THE best people to party with, like drugs just don't get addicted to this feeling, and use sparingly. When meeting random people I have never had so much fun as when I was this person, or was with people like this. Just be careful not to trust these friends or rely on them too much, or help them grow as people, I was fortunate enough to have friends who helped me on this journey.

I have another friend who is having a lot of sexual fun and craziness at the moment and she tells me all her stories and to her I gave the below advice but not in a cool 4 way easy to understand matrix:

Friends with benefits is that sweet spot, between friends and a relationship, this is different to someone you just hook up with, that's based on one variable, boring and easy to navigate.

 

In my experience this is the most difficult relationships to navigate without negative impacts. This is due to their very nature, these usually end because of one or both of you catching actual feelings, hence why if you meet someone sexy and fun, the first thing you want to do is not fall for them. If you can do this and ensure it doesn't happen in revers, you are in that sweet spot of fwb. Alternatively assuming you have fallen for this person, if they have a kind heart and you have long term viability  you should go ahead and seduce your friend with benefit. Good luck, because if you pull this off its potential relationship zone. 

If someone is more fun but not that sexy, you just tweak the relationship to more friend, less benefits, this includes more dating and outdoor type fun, likewise if they are more sexy and less fun, you have more benefits less friendship. Usually stay indoor with these people, unfortunately one on one banter won't be great, so 'netflix and chill' it should be. Personally I upgraded these ladies too, but each to their own, however if someone is neither sexy nor fun, be nice, honest and start looking for an upgrade.

I have been married for 4 ish years now and had a 4 monotonous ( I totally meant to write monogomous, but it's funny that it auto corrected, so I'm leaving it) relationships in my life, and so this next matrix, is for one when you are with someone. I assume you find them fun enough and honest enough, maybe you are Fwb and you have seduced them or more boringly you are dating and it's 'on'. Both of you have similar values and are more or less moving in the general same direction in life and you like each other a lot.

The first variable during this relationship is to ask : Do they want to have sex with you as much or more than you do? A lot of people will be suprised this is a fundamental variable (including my wife) these people think things like trust and communication are way more vital. I believe these are important, but once those sub variables are in place to the satisfaction of your partner, your partner should want to get in your pants. 

The sub variables are too vast and subjective to delve into here, so suffice to say use the desire for sex as the litmus test. I get some people (most) think I'm too sex orientated, to those people I say, thanks. I do get the point however, people have different sexual drives and desires, and maybe your partner is one of these low drive types, or maybe they are stressed at work, or are going through personal stuff, like their cat died, hence the question to ask is, if your partner hooked up with Brad Pitt/Nicki Minaj (my latest celebrity crush) would they want to have sex, if the answer is no, then you can give this person a pass.

Best case scenario they do want to get in your pants, this is where you can really push your relationship into a 8-10/10 category, open up be vulnerable and real, boom your relationship should move onto some Bollywood flex, your partner should be saying things like:  'they love you, you're amazing, I don't know what I'd do without you etc etc..'

If they are not on it, your only play here is to play the game. What does this mean? 

 

Don't be a loser, be awesome, don't be needy, be distant and non-chalant (my favourite word at the moment) just be the person that he/she fell for, feel sexy again. 

Explaining how to be these concepts are things i wouldn't do justice to since I am none of them. I had 0 ability at playing it cool, I was just persistent and kept moving in a straight line towards what i wanted, but when/if this works, move back to vulnerable and commitment. 

I wouldnt long term choose someone who was not kind / altruistic. In my opinion people like this are keepers, these people are happiest when giving, and givers make you want to give more, it's an awesome circle and makes relationship post the second year (when hormonal love subsides) way more viable.

When I say kind/altruistic I don't mean towards you or just people they like/love, that's normal and its easy to find people who are nice to you when they like you, but this won't last forever. Feeling and emotions wane, this is the very nature of how human emotions are evolutionary designed.

 

Hence my advice, don't get into a serious relationship with normal people like this. Find someone abnormal and special who cares and is kind to other human beings who don't hold value in their eyes, in the meantime, whilst you look for this relationship unicorn, feel free to become friends with benefits or make friends with people you encounter, well as long as they are fun and honest.