Invite only fashion party - Abs Style!

How I roll at posh parties:

Recently I got a hook up to an invite-only party at The Ivy

When we entered there were photographers asking us to do specific poses. So we did these for a while until (typical) I got bored. I started directing the photographers to take photos of me with fun poses. This attracted the attention of one of the only three cool people we met: a photographer called Moe. She was a bubbly, extroverted Canadian and, therefore, a friendly lady. Through the night she just tagged along and we told people she was my official photographer. We took some hilarious photos and even got the other people invited giggling.

Boring photos at the beginning of the night

The glass says ' Reserved'

I told one of the two DJs that the music was crap and asked super politely if he could play some music that had more words, preferably something a bit hip-hoppy. He replied people where there just to listen to them and their special mixes.

DJ - 1, Abs - 0

The DJ's

I targeted the two girls that were with the DJs, charmed them and brought them to our initial table, hoping this would annoy the DJs. It did! These girls were cute but boring, I subtely ignored them, they slowly walked away. I didn't care.

The girlfriends

Abs - 1, DJs - 1

As the night went on and it got busier, our table was taken over. Heather, being a ballsy outrageous girl got us a table with a £500 minimum spend. We spent about £100 and about £80 of that was spent by Bobby the Jessie J look alike.

Bobby . . . I was stood alone at the bar and this girl who looked like Jessie J walked past. She looked super confident (I like confident girls) so I said hi. Bobbi just kept talking and talking, saying everyone here was too pretentious. She began self amusing but not at my expense. We got to introductions after 5 minutes and she gave me her business card - she was a casting director! This was icing on the cake, but most importantly she was real so I invited her to the newly acquired table and she get on with everyone else and bought rounds of drinks for everyone! Nice, ballsy and attractive - my kind of lady!She has challenged me to a dance off! That should be fun!

'Jessie J' and I looking appropriate and sensible

I met a cool Iranian designer who took inspiration from Kung Lao in Mortal Kombat. His model girl (apparently his favourite model) loved me. She wouldn't stop laughing. One of the interchanges:

Him: I am Iranian

Me: And a fashion designer. I can't believe your parents were cool with that?

Him: I was originally an engineer...

Me: Good thing you got out before you started making crazy bombs (Aside: I know engineers don't make bombs). Lucky for you, you changed otherwise you would have never got a visa.

Him: Oh, no, I was a good engineer not a bad one.

Me: Those are the ones they use! If you were rubbish they wouldn't need you. That's when America would hire you to do some unintentional espionage and sabotage...Lucky you!!

'Kung Lao' and Heather

Eventually people kept asking me who I was and I think I went from the truth to telling them I worked in a McDonald's. Heather then decided it would be funny to tell people I was her boyfriend. I corrected her and told people I was her escort.

We went to the cigarette area where I was asked if I was a DJ:

Me: Yes, yes I am. It's annoying though, wherever I go people ask me to do a guest spot.

Him: That's cool as long as they pay you though.

Me: Not really, most of these places couldn't afford what I charge for a set. So what do you do?

Him: I'm a DJ- I'm working here tonight...you came and asked for different type of songs?

Me: I mean you guys are good, it's just not my thing, but you are good.

Him: Thanks man! 

He went into some long tirade about DJing and what makes them good.

Me: Oh look your DJ partner is playing some songs I like. I'm going to go dance! 

Him: Nice to have met you!

Me: You too!

I don't know who won this exchange but since I'm being judge, jury and prosecutor . . .

Abs - 2, DJ - 1

We decide to leave. We are in the lift going down and a tall slim girl gets on, who says, 'Maybe I'm too large to be on this lift. It might break'. I reply, 'Yeah probably!' She laughs nervously. Heather holds in her laugh, turns away from the girl and smiles at me! 

The guy with her re-assures her and I clarify, 'Look, as long you're not a model you're fine! If you're a model and your career isn't going great - because clearly you're hot - maybe it's the weight or maybe something else but what do I know...?' The guy re-assures her some more. 

We leave the lift. She asks me what I do. I beckon her closer, away from her guy and lie: 'A dating/sex coach!' Her eyes light up! I cheekily grin and tell her: 'Give me your card, I might fill you in later..' She giggles and replies: 'its upstairs but what about your girl here?' pointing at Heather, sheepily so Heather is none the wiser. I explain: 'We share, and besides today if you come back and don't want her involved the first time she will take a pass and can sleep on the couch... oh no your boyfriend's back!' 

'He's not my boyfriend, we just met!' The guy looks a bit uncomfortable, she tells me I'm a good dancer, I thank her and leave! I tell Heather the interplay, she laughs then proceeds to punch me on the arm.

We get outside and It's pissing it down!! Saima shouts lets get a cab! Oh well back to the real world!