After spending a day living by the mantra of WWTMD, my friends and I decided we should, for the sake of equality and fairness, have a night out with the mantra of WWTMD. It’s not fair to only be crazy fun in the day . . . and this is how the night panned out . . .
One of my friends asked me to come to a speed dating event with him. Now, whether this was because he knew I was going to be in a no-loser-left-alone kind of mood and he could laugh at the banter and chat I decided to have with these girls or because he genuinely wanted someone to go speed dating with, I do not know, but I decided to go with him, with the provision that I would insult anyone I chose to and be as self-amusing as I liked.
The first girl I spoke to asked me what I did. I replied: ‘I am a really ambitious kind of guy, I mean I started cleaning the floors, but worked my way up to frying the chips, and my manager said if I continue to show the ambition, drive and customer focus I have insofar I will surely move up to flipping the burgers, and obtain my 4th star.’ This girl bought this without the slightest hint of emotion of any kind on her face and the conversation went along…
The next half of the girls bored the crap out of me, and plain conversations were had. I decided I had enough of this but then I was warned that the next girl was wrist slitting material. I told myself and my friend I would make this fun . . . by spending 3 of the 5 minutes discussing the art of cunnilingus – now that was a bit different. Continuing in this vein the next time I got bored by a girl I just stopped and asked, ‘So... anal or oral?’
Having had this surprisingly answered, I decided to up the ante next and asked a girl who had cuts on her face if she was into a bit of the rough or she just took it too far one day. I followed with, ‘Your nickname is gonna be Ms.Bag’ to which she asked why. I said, ‘Because of your face, I would need a bag.’
She laughed, and I changed my opinion of this girl; she was secure in herself and found me funny, two traits I like in women!
The next girl looked like a cancer victim or potentially an Alopecia sufferer. I put uncaring Abs on hold and tried to have a genuine conversation. This really proved difficult, but luckily I remembered a question I had been asked earlier: If you were to go on a desert island and had to choose someone to go with, anyone at all who would you go with?
She replied, ‘I don’t know who would you go with?’
I thought about this, and in all honesty (since I was trying to be nice and real with her) I answered my mum!
‘So what about you? And you can go with anyone,’ I re-iterated.
She thought about it and said, ‘No one’ again.
I made it clear this was not going to happen - I was not a producer on the show Lost, I could not make this happen, I was just curious.
She looked at me like I killed her cat and then proudly responded, ‘I wouldn’t go with anyone!’
I felt a momentary pang of regret. What if this girl had no family or friends, or maybe they disowned her, maybe… (various thoughts went racing through my head as to why she would take no-one).
Before I could ask why myself, she continued, ‘That way everyone will say how brave I am, that I went to a desert island by myself.’
I was flabbergasted and was ready to point out how stupid she was for:
1) Thinking I had the power to make it so she ended up on a desert island, and that I was able to bring this one person with her.
2) It is somewhere in the unwritten rule book that if someone forced you to go to a desert island you would have the chance to take someone with you, this wasn’t like going to investigate a random bump in the night!
3) Who would take no one with them?? That was too much altruism for me to handle! This girl within 2 minutes had made me think she was socially awkward/ too altruistic/ lived in her own little world… Beeeep!.. Thank God. On to the next one!
Later on it came out that one of the girls was a lesbian and came to give her friend moral support, but she thought I was hilarious and wanted to be friends… All that went through my head was … Threesome!! Friends it was!! Wink Wink! A bit of banter, a few lesbian threesome texts later and a few of our other friends show up and it was time to really party and have some fun… TBC
One of my friends asked me to come to a speed dating event with him. Now, whether this was because he knew I was going to be in a no-loser-left-alone kind of mood and he could laugh at the banter and chat I decided to have with these girls or because he genuinely wanted someone to go speed dating with, I do not know, but I decided to go with him, with the provision that I would insult anyone I chose to and be as self-amusing as I liked.
The first girl I spoke to asked me what I did. I replied: ‘I am a really ambitious kind of guy, I mean I started cleaning the floors, but worked my way up to frying the chips, and my manager said if I continue to show the ambition, drive and customer focus I have insofar I will surely move up to flipping the burgers, and obtain my 4th star.’ This girl bought this without the slightest hint of emotion of any kind on her face and the conversation went along…
The next half of the girls bored the crap out of me, and plain conversations were had. I decided I had enough of this but then I was warned that the next girl was wrist slitting material. I told myself and my friend I would make this fun . . . by spending 3 of the 5 minutes discussing the art of cunnilingus – now that was a bit different. Continuing in this vein the next time I got bored by a girl I just stopped and asked, ‘So... anal or oral?’
Having had this surprisingly answered, I decided to up the ante next and asked a girl who had cuts on her face if she was into a bit of the rough or she just took it too far one day. I followed with, ‘Your nickname is gonna be Ms.Bag’ to which she asked why. I said, ‘Because of your face, I would need a bag.’
She laughed, and I changed my opinion of this girl; she was secure in herself and found me funny, two traits I like in women!
The next girl looked like a cancer victim or potentially an Alopecia sufferer. I put uncaring Abs on hold and tried to have a genuine conversation. This really proved difficult, but luckily I remembered a question I had been asked earlier: If you were to go on a desert island and had to choose someone to go with, anyone at all who would you go with?
She replied, ‘I don’t know who would you go with?’
I thought about this, and in all honesty (since I was trying to be nice and real with her) I answered my mum!
‘So what about you? And you can go with anyone,’ I re-iterated.
She thought about it and said, ‘No one’ again.
I made it clear this was not going to happen - I was not a producer on the show Lost, I could not make this happen, I was just curious.
She looked at me like I killed her cat and then proudly responded, ‘I wouldn’t go with anyone!’
I felt a momentary pang of regret. What if this girl had no family or friends, or maybe they disowned her, maybe… (various thoughts went racing through my head as to why she would take no-one).
Before I could ask why myself, she continued, ‘That way everyone will say how brave I am, that I went to a desert island by myself.’
I was flabbergasted and was ready to point out how stupid she was for:
1) Thinking I had the power to make it so she ended up on a desert island, and that I was able to bring this one person with her.
2) It is somewhere in the unwritten rule book that if someone forced you to go to a desert island you would have the chance to take someone with you, this wasn’t like going to investigate a random bump in the night!
3) Who would take no one with them?? That was too much altruism for me to handle! This girl within 2 minutes had made me think she was socially awkward/ too altruistic/ lived in her own little world… Beeeep!.. Thank God. On to the next one!
Later on it came out that one of the girls was a lesbian and came to give her friend moral support, but she thought I was hilarious and wanted to be friends… All that went through my head was … Threesome!! Friends it was!! Wink Wink! A bit of banter, a few lesbian threesome texts later and a few of our other friends show up and it was time to really party and have some fun… TBC
Awesome to read them again... can't wait for part 2. Although not sure about the background, not a fan; try something else?
ReplyDeleteim writing it and its already 4 pages and ive not finished yet- needs serious wittling down, but it was fun... any ideas on the background??
ReplyDelete