Satin/Satan; Potato/Tomato

I live in the ghetto of Stockwell. In addition to this, I have never been a very superficial person and this therefore relates to the visual appearance of my flat.

Unfortunately, others do not share this nonchalant view of appearance. Hence, I have to shave, style my hair, dress in ironed clothes and . . . well, that's about it. The rest I would do because I do actually want to be clean.

Many a time people have seen my place for the first time and I have sensed their vaginas dry up or mouth open in shock. I believe I dress stylish therefore when you see where I live, the shock is accentuated.



The first question everyone poses: 'Why do you live here?'

There are 3 reasons . . .

1. It is literally 30 seconds from the Victoria tube, meaning getting to work is door to door 20 minutes. I hate, and by that I do mean I dislike, getting up in the morning. For all of you who feel empathy, I don't drink coffee either.

2. My housemates are awesome but they wanted to move from the pimpin' room I had in Clapham, so I had to decide between nice housemates or nice area. I'm a very people-centric person so the housemates won.

One of my house mates is Monica Gellar-esque. She likes cleaning, gives me some awesome advice as well as a well-needed kick up the ass from time to time. Oh and she probably looks good naked too!

The other 2 are lads and almost like security guards, but they have the banter and get my humour. We all have fun and good conversation.

3. Then I get the question, 'Why have you not decorated? It looks worse than my student accommodation'. So when a quasi-interior decorator nagged me about this, I figured this was as good as it was going to get. I took her up on her offer to 'nice' my flat up.

I proceeded to go with the flow and made very few decisions, got some guys who like lifting heavy things (read: real men) and made art happen!



My favourite thing about my new place is not the way it looks. I mean it's nice, BUT the money shot for me is I sleep naked and have satin sheets which equals me never ever ever ever - and I mean ever - wanting to leave my bed. It is the best feeling. I advise everyone to buy satin sheets!

Daydream...

Girl: Hey, Abs, want to come to mine for dinner, chocolate and then wild animal crazy sex?
Abs: No, I'm naked in bed.
Girl: Are you cheating on me?
Abs: Yes, but it's just that they feels so right on me!

*wait on if this is a dream fantasy it would go more like this*

Girl: Hey, Abs, want to come to mine for a Tinseltown milkshake, followed by crazy wild animal sex and then some food, maybe top up with some Fifa whilst I give you a massage?
Abs: Yeah, yeah all right . . .



Satin feels nice but not as alluring as Satan can be!